Update 2014

reading back at my old things makes me miss those days. but not really its hard for me now a days to sit down and just write about my life it probably has to do with the fact that i am over telling people stuff well not really i like to tell people things but i am really over the whole online thing but it also has to do with the fact its so hard for me to just sit down and write there are so many other things i could be doing but i decided i should update well i havent wrote a blog in what six months a lot has changed i went away to college and i am actually doing pretty good i found a perfect girlfriend now here comes the hard part keeping her around relationships are hard work but its worth it in the end. i have my own place now and i am starting to do grown up things which for all you kids out there isnt as fun as i thought it would be but reminiscing on these old blogs makes me remember how fun it used to be when my whole life was the internet

Infidelity: written on September 9, 2013

I have a lot of emotions and i feel like no ones listening to me

yes i am a very complicated person i like to portray myself as the hero:

the perfect girlfriend one who is better in everyway possible than anyone else I know what its like to be cheated on and i promise to never do that to you but sometimes the Hero, the angel she makes a mistake but what makes one mistake forgivable and another not when i get myself in a sticky situation i never find the right words to say or i do start saying all the right words to you but you just put on a fake face and i know behind that mask your cursing me and hating me. I know what i did is wrong i cheated i lied but i am not perfect and i have an addiction. something that if you ever knew me or were around me in my "player" days you know all too well look at it as alcoholism here is an analogy for a long time i was having fun and drinking until i found a reason to stop and when i stopped i realized that it betrayed me everyone i was so hurt so i did not start drinking again though i focused on something it became you became an obsession a way out of that disease of alcoholism i was sober for 3 years until i relapsed it was only a sip of a shot to me but to you i went on a drunken rampage bottom line is i relapsed i cant go back in time i flirted because of that i worry every night that you will leave every night im afraid i am afraid i have a rough past not a struggle with alcoholism but something that i am ashamed of and try to keep in my past. But now i am all the things that i hoped i would never be again a cheater a coward a liar. does True love really prevail? i believe it will because that is the only thing i believe in. I believe in US. I BELIEVE IN LOVE, I BELIEVE IS ME. I know that i can do it i just really laugh at the past how i always tell myself in long distance relationships or any relationships haha that was just puppy love it wasn't real love or the famous line it was just online it wasn't real. but the honest truth is the EMOTIONS are real. and that is one thing i have learned throughout my life betrayal is betrayal a lie is a lie it all feels that same. i am still sensitive and i am still an ass hole. things really haven't changed for me throughout the years i have been writing. But the one thing i hope i learned is once i have someone willing to deal with the real me something that cant be expressed through my writing i cant let that person go and i made a huge mistake that honestly anyone would have walked away from but i can happily say that i am head over heals in love. yet i hate myself and wanna kill myself half the time but i fill my days with my wife or writing or doing homework or even watching netflix to ignore that feeling of self hate never really overcoming it is that bad

i hope i don't regret writing this i needed to get this off my chest i know it is disorganized

Death Of My Father: Written on August 10, 2013

On march 31 2012 my father passed away

I'm going to go in order well on march 29 2012 it was my 18th birthday suppose to be the best day of my life right well it was probably one of the worst first let me tell you something about my self I am very antisocial so basically most of my friends ignored me so after the cake I got in my car and ditched the party well after I came home I forgot this part I think I lost the keys or something I do not talk about my father much but here's a bit of background information he was in poor health but in the year of 2012 he was actually starting to be healthy everything was looking good besides the fact he was starting to go blind in one eye. So that night I had lost the keys or something and I went to bed my dad decided to walk to the store at 4 in the morning and had fell it had been raining and he had already had a bad knee the police found him and took him to the hospital. From much urging from my dad he was released from the emergency room that day which shouldn't have happened so on march 31st 2012 I went had to go to work and my dad was yelling for my mom and my mom was getting agitated and then she helped him and took me to work when she came back he was unresponsive. To this day I blame myself for his death I never got to say goodbye to him I didn't tell him I loved him before he died I didn't do anything right if I hadn't urged my mom to take me to work he might be alive today but that's just my opinion.

Finding My Roots: written on August 13, 2013

Oh this year had been a very very difficult year I feel like I have told this story about a million times but I've never written it down :

so I need to tell you something about myself I'm adopted I was separated from my sister Tina and my sister Gloria at birth we were all taken away from our birth mother because of her drug addiction we all have different dads until we were reunited I have always had the opinion the hate that I didn't want to talk to my birth mother I was angry at her for crippling me or so I thought I was just so angry and my sister Tina my older sister after she had her kids she felt the need to find that something that mother figure so I helped her we found our birth mother along with tianna my youngest sister and I was introduced to a whole lot of new people In all honesty I feel overwhelmed all these people like I'm a loner and I have always been one I never felt like I fit in anywhere so I isolate myself and now a days my mom my birth mom tianna Ricky Tina Gloria they all wanna spend time with me and its so hard to juggled everyone just myself along with my gf who I want to spend every waking moment with to my sisters they think that I don't want to spend anytime with them funny I spent days with you funny so funny I just feel like the annoying little kid half of the time I mean its so hard I feel like they're all so much smarter than me that I don't fit In

Famous?

I always wanted to be famous but sometimes i think its too late know seeing all these kids get famous on youtube or instagram. I also think why cant that be me. Maybe thats one of the reasons i wrote this blog well not really. I started this blog on a site called peporonity it was pretty cool because people were actually commenting and helping me. I even started posting my same stuff on mocospace which is even more fun because people whose opinion i actually listened to would comment. i kinda miss that. On here all i get is span but i see that i have 4000 views which is pretty cool if u ask me. 

oh College...

Well right now I am sitting in computer science bored as ever wishing that i had my own car. if i had my own car i would be out of here by now. a lot has changed since i last wrote in this blog, but i will get to that later. I am about to graduate in may and i should probably be writing an essay right now on the reasons why i want to transfer but i am not. i should be paying attention to my teacher but i dont want to concentrate. i literally am sitting in the back of my class typing away on my computer. i am the only black girl in my class and the only female to top it all off i am a stud. sometimes i feel so like awkward. i dont want to draw attention to myself but i don't want to listen to her. anyway i decided to start writing again because well i dont write anymore i know i say i hate writing i do. i passed my English classes so i never have to write again. i enjoy writing when im bored to my anonymous audience that probably doesn't exist. i wanted to get a few things off my chest. I cant write sometimes i think it is myself because somehow i always got decent grades on my papers for English with no help from my mom or anything. but this application is really hard like i need a registrar and a person who should recommend me. i dont know any professors like i enjoyed every single one of my teachers but to go up to them and ask for a recommendation is gonna be hard as fuck. I am thinking about asking my computer science teacher i mean that is my major. im signing off for now i am gonna try to write this essay. 

Update 2013

A lot has changed since I wrote my last entry let me start with the major change in my life which basically put my life upside down:
march 31 2012 my dad died he died of basically suffocation  and to this day I blame my self 
When my dad passed away I was a senior in high school I had to redo all my college stuff I got accepted to a couple good colleges but I ended up going to a community college because they gave me a full ride 
Which is where I am at now it's the summer of my freshman year in college and I'm about to start my sophomore year 

In the love department a lot has changed.. I will do a separate entry on that but since blogging I found out what true love really is and maybe typing will help me recover since blogging I've had about 1 boyfriend and 4 or 5 gfs crazy right .. After all the aftermath and mistakes I'm basically the same girl I was 2 years ago ambitious and a big dreamer another major change is well I'm adopted and me and me Sister we found our birth mom that has been a crazy ride within itself which is a separate issue I will blog about and the last major life changing event was that i lost my home i lived in for basically my whole life so I'm going to write four blogs the death of my father, My coming of age story, finding where I come From, new beginnings and well something else oh and finding myself

Paradox

now im crying my eyes out over you i poured my heart out to u and u made me feel like shit you always leave me with this empty feeling that just eats my insides away u say your more mature than me then why do u give up in a relationship so easy i mean i can be the best gf ever although u treat me like shit are mean to me im still loyal to you and i still want to be with you more than anything and you just push me away like nothing matters point out all my flaws and tell me that u gave up along time ago this is why i think you dont give a shit about me this is why i think you dont love me because you dont want to make this work at the end of the day everything u say is just a cliche it doesnt matter u make me feel like nothing i do can change anything

From my Blog Cross Roads

Cross Roads

I may not be the smartest or the best but I do have big dreams. I am a dreamer. It may seemed a bit far fetched to say that i am going to be famous one day, or cliche but that is one of my biggest goals. I feel like right now i am at cross roads. The biggest decision of my life, college. Where should I go? I know what i wanna be and what i wanna do but i dont know where i wanna go. if that made any sense at all. I think about that a lot. I worry that what if i do choose to go one way and i miss out on the chance to make it to really do what i wanna do. I wanna have the college experience and move away maybe along the way grow more independent, but its not that easy. I dont have any money and i know this might sound weird but i hate writing i cant just sit down and write an essay on how blah blah changed my life this may sound a bit self centered but i like writing about things that pertain to me not something that i dont care about as you can tell right now i don't know im just lost right now and i dont have a lot of time to find my way and i just hope when i do make the decision it is not the decision that ruins my whole future and im stuck living a mediocre life i dont wanna be normal i wanna become a computer programmer and make my own operating system and have my own company

Love lost

I admitt it I'm a player and I got caught in my game but it comes with a price win or lose the game doesn't end til I decide to retire maybe this will be good for me
I slipped up
I got caught

Atone

Now I feel like you forever atoning for my sins
Asking for your forgiveness
Secretly knowing ill never get it

Text messages i never sent

To    : How come everytime i ask who your talking to its called being nosey but when u ask its called caring
How come everytime u yell at me its because your mad but when i yell im tripping
How come when i get depressed you walk away and when you get depressed you push away how come when i pretend dont say anything you avoid me but when i try i always end up saying the wrong thing when i cuss your mom doesnt like it but when u cuss its cool

To ......: U said youd talk to me later never did said youd be up late u disapapear didnt hear from you

im not obsessive or tripping

your just unreasonable

you give me nothing to work with

everyone i talk to says talk to you talk to you but how can i when your never around

I hate when people think im overreacting

maybe i should treat you like you treat me

Starting Now!

Crash

So the worst thing happened to me i got in a car accident i was driving to my friends house and the light turned yellow and i thought i could make it so i sped up didnt see the car coming and hit the car trying to turn and the car ran into a poll and the guy was yelling at me and i was so scared the whole front end of the car just fell off and the air bags went off it was terrible and my friend was in the car it was the most embarrassing moment of my life and i wrecked my familys only car now i just feel like crap i have to pay more money i dont have so im gonna have to work my butt off at work and try to get more hours but since its winter theyre already cutting people ...so its going to be hard for me to get hours in the first place i just feel so depressed and my friends in worse shape then i am im fine and my friend she is just gonna go back to the hospital i feel bad like this is all my fault when it happened i was really pissed and then i just got sad and was sitting on the floor crying and begging my mom not to be mad at me right when things were getting better i had to ruin everything
-rina burr

The Perfect Confusion

Written November 4, 2010

Always digging through my old writings

I rarely ever get what I want in a person. I want a relationship to be perfect. I want that other person to be just like me but better. I rarely ever get what you want. I just realized that person was right in front of my face the whole time. Side note: I hate naming names in my blog I feel like everyones invading my privacy but I'll do it anyway. Rebecca my ex she is perfect. Unfortunately I am thrust with exactly what I want and I don't appreciate it. Oh well but that's not my problem. My problem is that I'm depressed and I'm not sure why. I have what I want I guess one of my exes that I've been wanting forever I have what I want and I'm still depressed. Maybe it's not what I really wanted or maybe I'm just sad over the fact that I know I'm not supposed to be dating and I am. Maybe I'm sad because I don't have a real gf. It's probably that a week or so ago I had a gf for like a day. Then she realized she didn't like me. Shocker I know. No one likes me like that. At least no one who lives by me. Anyway I don't know what to do I don't wanna hurt anyone and I don't wanna be sad I just wanna be happy. It's weird how having just anyone doesn't make me happy anymore I guess that's a plus but I just wanna get out of this hole I just wanna be happy what to do what to do?
-Rina Burr

Dream: Mr...?:

Note:

This was written a while ago excerpt from one of my daily blogs

I had this weird dream if anyone knows what it means let me know MESSAGE ME COMMENT I WANNA KNOW!!! My dream Me, Derek, jhan and Leticia were playing in this field and we were playing with frisbis. Our cellphone were turning into frisbis through the memory slot. You just pull the memory card and it turns into it. Then Derek had to go and jhan told me to walk him to his moms car so I did. But I had to run to catch up to him. When I finally cAught up to him he was looking for his mom and I'm like Derek wait up. Then all of a sudden Derek turned into a dog. Beside derek was a computer. I took Derek home and the computer to investigate. When I got home Derek turned invisible so my dad didn't see him when he walked in. I took him to my room and turned on the computer it said mr. ....(I don't remember his name)'s computer. Next to Derek appeared an earwig. I looked on the computer and there was a series of numbers all under different names. They all appeared to be hypnotists. First was the mr... I called him first. When I called it said " the number you have dialed is not in service. So i called the next number underneath the first one. It was a lady hynotist. I called and then immidiately there was a knock on the door. I opened it and the lady in the picture on the computer who's number i was calling said "you called" I said "sorry wrong number". As she was walking away I said "do you know who mr... Is?" the lady got this horror stricken look on her face and disappeared. Then I went back to the computer and kept trying to call mr... I finally realized that the number on the computer kept changing everytime I looked at it. Then I woke up.

Entry From My Diary: Written 7/14/07

Dear diary today was a horrible day first it was good, but then when I heard my Grandmother for over the years I have seen her fade away before my very eyes. I have heard that when someone you love dies part of you dies with them. I hope that doesnt happen to anyone. My grandmother died on 7/14/07. The good thing was she felt no pain and died in her sleep. Also everyone who she loved saw her. I will express my feelings in a poem.

The way she yelled at nurses
The way she smiled at me
The way she game me lemon drops
We dont have her
We have memories
We can cry
It cleanses the soul

There’s a bigger me Inside this little me Screaming out I should make history

-Justin Bieber

 Drive off take my girl to have a nice day
She was nice so I let her head my way
Look cute girl, what you wanna do girl?
-Better With The Lights Off by New Boyz
 
New Boyz ft. Chris Brown - Better With The Lights Off

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Don't just say, goodbye
I'll pick up these broken pieces
'til I'm bleeding If that'll make it right


-It Will Rain Bruno Mars

It Will Rain - Bruno Mars

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