Crash

So the worst thing happened to me i got in a car accident i was driving to my friends house and the light turned yellow and i thought i could make it so i sped up didnt see the car coming and hit the car trying to turn and the car ran into a poll and the guy was yelling at me and i was so scared the whole front end of the car just fell off and the air bags went off it was terrible and my friend was in the car it was the most embarrassing moment of my life and i wrecked my familys only car now i just feel like crap i have to pay more money i dont have so im gonna have to work my butt off at work and try to get more hours but since its winter theyre already cutting people ...so its going to be hard for me to get hours in the first place i just feel so depressed and my friends in worse shape then i am im fine and my friend she is just gonna go back to the hospital i feel bad like this is all my fault when it happened i was really pissed and then i just got sad and was sitting on the floor crying and begging my mom not to be mad at me right when things were getting better i had to ruin everything
-rina burr

The Perfect Confusion

Written November 4, 2010

Always digging through my old writings

I rarely ever get what I want in a person. I want a relationship to be perfect. I want that other person to be just like me but better. I rarely ever get what you want. I just realized that person was right in front of my face the whole time. Side note: I hate naming names in my blog I feel like everyones invading my privacy but I'll do it anyway. Rebecca my ex she is perfect. Unfortunately I am thrust with exactly what I want and I don't appreciate it. Oh well but that's not my problem. My problem is that I'm depressed and I'm not sure why. I have what I want I guess one of my exes that I've been wanting forever I have what I want and I'm still depressed. Maybe it's not what I really wanted or maybe I'm just sad over the fact that I know I'm not supposed to be dating and I am. Maybe I'm sad because I don't have a real gf. It's probably that a week or so ago I had a gf for like a day. Then she realized she didn't like me. Shocker I know. No one likes me like that. At least no one who lives by me. Anyway I don't know what to do I don't wanna hurt anyone and I don't wanna be sad I just wanna be happy. It's weird how having just anyone doesn't make me happy anymore I guess that's a plus but I just wanna get out of this hole I just wanna be happy what to do what to do?
-Rina Burr

Notes from my iPod: long distance relationships

Written: August 8, 2010

I do hate stuff like this I came to the conclusion that I do not hate long distance relationships I hate when circumstances come to the point where I can't do anything to contact the person and the bad thing about long distance relationships is u can't just go up to their door there is my problem although it probably has everything to do with the past and how much pain I went through and I guess not knowing what's gonna happen next if your gonna be available the next day or the next eats away at my heart. I probably feel so hurt because it's like taking away one of the major things I love about you. You were available as much as me we could talk on the phone and do this and that but now it's like everythings slowly dwindling away and I know it's not your fault I mean life happens I'm just afraid things will get worse and we will hardly be able to talk or something.

Day sixty one of Rina's life

I feel like such a loser. All day everyday I do nothing but pass the time by playing on my iPod touch. Yeah I text a couple girls who don't even live by me but that's about it. Sometimes I'm on the phone with one of those girls who I met online. I don't have any friends. I never hang out with anyone well hardly ever. I don't know how it got like this. When I was younger I had a best friend who I hung out with all the time we used to sleep over at each others houses all the time actually hang outside of school. That was a friend. She moved though. After that it was never the same. A few years ago I had a lot of friends I used to hang around a group of girls it was great. I had it great. When we got into highschool everyone went their separate ways to different schools. I had friends but things were never the same. I don't have that friend anymore that I can just be like let's hang out and have a great time with. I don't feel comfortable. It may be to the extreme yeah I hang out with a friend at least once in two or three months. That's my life oh and the whole time I'm at home I'm just in my room 24/7. It's so bad I enjoy going to work because it's something to do to get out of the house. Well that's me in a nutshell. I wish I wasn't such a loser
-Rina Burr

Day fifty four of Rina's life

after all my good grades are just normal for me it doesn't matter. People expect that from me so why should they care. But if I do anything less than expected than I get ridiculed. I can't mess up. I have to live up to my expectations. When all the praises leave the only thing left to motivate you is yourself. An outstanding work ethic is expected from me. Anything less then that is not good enough. The amount of work put in doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is it's perfection. Without that then it's worth half of what it was before. What happens when the money gets old and perfection wears out? There's still faith I will live up to and beyond expectations. Where's the faith when I'm getting money for barely doing anything where's the hope? I see how it is now I'm getting the same money for Doing four times the work I did before. People expect me to be happy about this. I try not to be selfish. But let's face it I love money! Funny thing is I don't put little certificates I get on the fridge anymore. I don't need people to be reminded of the my grades. I motivate myself to get good grades. I care about my education. All my certificates for good grades are in my room just a little reminder of why I care what I strive for. I might not be the hardest worker or the smartest I might not live up to others expectations but I try my best to live up to my expectations. Isn't that what matters, whether or not I'm happy with work? I thought it was the effort that counted? Whatever happened to a stable money flow whatever happened to a value on everything I do? That value is gone. My word isn't worth a dime. Neither is my work. I guess all I have are my certificates and a couple of friends. It isn't good enough in my eyes. I want so much more than I have. Do you miss that girl who would work twice as hard as me? Do you miss that girl who was respectful and kind to you? Do you miss that girl who you talked to all the time? Do you miss the old me? So do I. I don't know where she went. I don't know why she left. I didn't do this on purpose it's just a mess of bad choices. I wanna change but I don't know how. Nothing is going back to normal. I was disrespectful and now I'm just hurt. But in my eyes do you see the old me? The one you used to have faith in. Everything I do isn't worth a thing. Was it perfect this time? No matter when I do the work or how I still get half the amount for twice the work. Was Giving me money for doing a bad job a mistake or a lesson? If I work harder will things go back to normal? No.. Life isn't that good. I can't change the past but I can change the future by what I do in the present. Do you see the changes I'm making? are you proud? Do you see a disappointment? Do you see someone who is not me? Look into my eyes what do you see? I look into your eyes everyday through a mirror and all I see is someone who is worthless, a disappointment, a waste of life. When I look into your eyes I see someone who I hate. Is it the real me i see or is it just a reflection. I want so many things just so I can stop hating myself. I don't show it because I want to change. I wanna be someone who I can stop hating. I am changing does anyone notice besides me? The better question is does anyone care besides me? I rarely show hate to myself unless you are one of the few I confide in.

-Rina