after all my good grades are just normal for me it doesn't matter. People expect that from me so why should they care. But if I do anything less than expected than I get ridiculed. I can't mess up. I have to live up to my expectations. When all the praises leave the only thing left to motivate you is yourself. An outstanding work ethic is expected from me. Anything less then that is not good enough. The amount of work put in doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is it's perfection. Without that then it's worth half of what it was before. What happens when the money gets old and perfection wears out? There's still faith I will live up to and beyond expectations. Where's the faith when I'm getting money for barely doing anything where's the hope? I see how it is now I'm getting the same money for Doing four times the work I did before. People expect me to be happy about this. I try not to be selfish. But let's face it I love money! Funny thing is I don't put little certificates I get on the fridge anymore. I don't need people to be reminded of the my grades. I motivate myself to get good grades. I care about my education. All my certificates for good grades are in my room just a little reminder of why I care what I strive for. I might not be the hardest worker or the smartest I might not live up to others expectations but I try my best to live up to my expectations. Isn't that what matters, whether or not I'm happy with work? I thought it was the effort that counted? Whatever happened to a stable money flow whatever happened to a value on everything I do? That value is gone. My word isn't worth a dime. Neither is my work. I guess all I have are my certificates and a couple of friends. It isn't good enough in my eyes. I want so much more than I have. Do you miss that girl who would work twice as hard as me? Do you miss that girl who was respectful and kind to you? Do you miss that girl who you talked to all the time? Do you miss the old me? So do I. I don't know where she went. I don't know why she left. I didn't do this on purpose it's just a mess of bad choices. I wanna change but I don't know how. Nothing is going back to normal. I was disrespectful and now I'm just hurt. But in my eyes do you see the old me? The one you used to have faith in. Everything I do isn't worth a thing. Was it perfect this time? No matter when I do the work or how I still get half the amount for twice the work. Was Giving me money for doing a bad job a mistake or a lesson? If I work harder will things go back to normal? No.. Life isn't that good. I can't change the past but I can change the future by what I do in the present. Do you see the changes I'm making? are you proud? Do you see a disappointment? Do you see someone who is not me? Look into my eyes what do you see? I look into your eyes everyday through a mirror and all I see is someone who is worthless, a disappointment, a waste of life. When I look into your eyes I see someone who I hate. Is it the real me i see or is it just a reflection. I want so many things just so I can stop hating myself. I don't show it because I want to change. I wanna be someone who I can stop hating. I am changing does anyone notice besides me? The better question is does anyone care besides me? I rarely show hate to myself unless you are one of the few I confide in.
-Rina
