oh College...

Well right now I am sitting in computer science bored as ever wishing that i had my own car. if i had my own car i would be out of here by now. a lot has changed since i last wrote in this blog, but i will get to that later. I am about to graduate in may and i should probably be writing an essay right now on the reasons why i want to transfer but i am not. i should be paying attention to my teacher but i dont want to concentrate. i literally am sitting in the back of my class typing away on my computer. i am the only black girl in my class and the only female to top it all off i am a stud. sometimes i feel so like awkward. i dont want to draw attention to myself but i don't want to listen to her. anyway i decided to start writing again because well i dont write anymore i know i say i hate writing i do. i passed my English classes so i never have to write again. i enjoy writing when im bored to my anonymous audience that probably doesn't exist. i wanted to get a few things off my chest. I cant write sometimes i think it is myself because somehow i always got decent grades on my papers for English with no help from my mom or anything. but this application is really hard like i need a registrar and a person who should recommend me. i dont know any professors like i enjoyed every single one of my teachers but to go up to them and ask for a recommendation is gonna be hard as fuck. I am thinking about asking my computer science teacher i mean that is my major. im signing off for now i am gonna try to write this essay. 

Repetition

Looking through some of my notes I found don't remember where its from or why I wrote it:

Im feeling like I keep on talkin

I'm repeating Myself

my words lost all meaning

I keep talking

I repeat myself

@Rinab333

Cycle of Pain

Chapter 1

Once upon a time there was this girl name Katarina who fell in love with Crispin. Katarina being the techie was on a website where she met Crispin. Katarina wasn't suppose to be on that website but was anyway regardless the consequences. Katarina believed Crispin was her soul mate they planned to get married and everything. The only problem was Crispin lived in tokyo japan. Katarina and Crispin agreed to meet in three years but Katarina had to pay for everything because Crispin was younger than her by a year and they wanted to meet as soon as possible. So after almost a year of them going out Katarina felt like telling her best friend Rina about the news Rina pretended to be happy for her and everything. However since Katarina didn't tell anyone except rina about crispin she told Rina everything. Rina started telling Katarina about god and saying it was dangerous to meet some random guy on the Internet who could just be a 40yr along with other religious issues. Katarina after a week was convinced and broke up with Crispin. But Katarina loved Crispin she became very upset. She would cry herself to sleep at night and almost killed herself luckily Katarina had Rina and god to save the day. But it didn't stop her from crawling back to Crispin. When she went back to him she was only confronted by more pain and suffering. Katarina would ask "do u still love me?" Crispin Said "yes" but every single time Katarina goes back to Crispin she gets hurt and she always ends up breaking up with him then getting back together with him. Katarina is so desperate to be loved Rina is in awe. Since Katarina went out with Crispin her self esteem has lowered she doesn't have a lot of confidence and she thinks she is ugly. There is nothing wrong with Katarina she is probably more beautiful than me but Katarina can't see that. Katarina is soo close right now all she has to do is let go of Crispin. The sad part is no one knows about this except for Rina. Katarina is too afraid to tell anyone...will the cycle ever end? Will Katarina live happily ever after with Crispin...or will it end up in her death and or rape? Every cycle can be broken Katarina is so close...

Chapter 2

So today Katarina told her friends about crispin they said that she could tell them that because they were her best friends. Katarina is still afraid right now of being judged. Also she is upset about crispin because she thinks he didn't answer her message on facebook. Crispin goes to boarding school and isn't allowed a phone. He can only go on facebook once in a while. Crispin and Katarina aren't going out officially because they broke up. But they still talk. Rina feels terrible because katarina was so happy until Rina started unstilling her religious beliefs upon Katarina. Rina feels as if she ruined Katarina's life.

Chapter 3

Rina is the only one worried about Katarina. Katarina is depressed and is denial. She tells Rina countless times not to worry about her. Katarina says she will never kill herself and is perfectly happy. But Rina thinks it's a lie. Katarina is too afraid to tell anyone the only person she has told is Rina and her two other best friends.

Video Games

Written: July 21, 2011
I've been talking to myself a lot lately but I feel like it's not enough I can never get it out into words so I took this time to sit down in just talk to you yes you the people the ones I write to you when I write I feel like I'm talking to everyone I feel like I'm just getting it out getting it off my chest so I took this time do you speak here goes nothing: so right now how I feel it's pretty happy I'm a bit hyper but I guess yeah this is me earlier I felt like nothing could lift me from the sadness so a couple days ago us playing this game I had to get to this one level so i could actually play the quest i wanted to once i got to the level i stopped playing the game i feel like thats my life the hardest part is the struggle and constantly dying and coming back to life and fighting the same battle again learning strategies perfecting skills so i can get to my goal but once i get there to my goal ... Bam the desire the drive its gone

Day sixty three of Rina's life

Today I decided I'm going to the fall dance. My mom is so excited she's like "take pictures". Oh mothers always the pictures. I am afriad I'm being used though. I hope I'm not. The only reason I don't think I am. Is because I automatically respect that person because it's my best friends cousin. I don't know I'm afraid I am though I'll tell you all about it tomorrow. Stay tuned I guess that's all I have to say I said more on my blog on peperonity check it out if your curious.

-Rina Burr

Day sixty two of Rina's life

So I lied about the blogging everyday thing. Lol I'll try harder. It's so awkward writing blogs on blogspot. I feel weird. On here I actually have to try and it's annoying. Or maybe I'm not patient. On my blog on peperonity I have like tons of fans and too many unread messages. I don't know it's probably because I started that one first and I kept up with it all summer. I know loyal. I'm improving. Anyway today was a good day!! I helped my friend with her homework in cup. I got good grades and I took a test. Which wasn't reaLly that fun. Ugh I have to clean the bathroom today. I don't want to I'm really tired. Haha i know why I get more hits on peperonity cuz I'm uncensored I say whatever I want without worrying who's gonna read it. I can't do that here well I could but that would be a disaster. When i get more confident I will. Speaking of confidence I love my hair so much. I've gotten great compliments. I am going to try extra hard to keep this up because I like the way I look now.
Rina Burr

Unspoken words

This blog entry was taken from my blog on mocospace.

Jul 18, 2010

Hey I know this is weird but this is how I feel. And I am a very open person. Not with everyone of course only with certain people. I would tell you everything that happened to me from the moment i woke up to the moment i fell asleep. Am I weird for wanting to know more about you? I wish you were as open as me. When I ask you things out of curiosity you get annoyed and say "it's not about you so don't worry about it". I laugh and pretend I don't care when I know I just died inside. Sometimes I feel like I'm clingy or something. It's alright if the person doesn't care or doesn't know but if I feel that way about you I'm going to tell you how I feel no matter what. that's just how I am. I'm just sometimes feel as if I try to hard to express my feelings about you, I'm misunderstood. I just wanna show you that I love you. I can be completely obsessed with someone but I'll only do it if they are obsessed with me and are the same way about me because I don't wanna creep you out. I wanna discuss our future together but I'm too afraid of what your gonna say. I want what I can never have. I might already have everything I ever wanted but I'm too afraid to ask you.

Note: this was originally written to someone I love but I'm too afraid to send it, shocker, so I decided to put it on my blog at Mocospace instead

-Rina