Thursday, February 6, 2014

Infidelity: written on September 9, 2013

I have a lot of emotions and i feel like no ones listening to me
yes i am a very complicated person i like to portray myself as the hero:
the perfect girlfriend one who is better in everyway possible than anyone else I know what its like to be cheated on and i promise to never do that to you but sometimes the Hero, the angel she makes a mistake but what makes one mistake forgivable and another not when i get myself in a sticky situation i never find the right words to say or i do start saying all the right words to you but you just put on a fake face and i know behind that mask your cursing me and hating me. I know what i did is wrong i cheated i lied but i am not perfect and i have an addiction. something that if you ever knew me or were around me in my "player" days you know all too well look at it as alcoholism here is an analogy for a long time i was having fun and drinking until i found a reason to stop and when i stopped i realized that it betrayed me everyone i was so hurt so i did not start drinking again though i focused on something it became you became an obsession a way out of that disease of alcoholism i was sober for 3 years until i relapsed it was only a sip of a shot to me but to you i went on a drunken rampage bottom line is i relapsed i cant go back in time i flirted because of that i worry every night that you will leave every night im afraid i am afraid i have a rough past not a struggle with alcoholism but something that i am ashamed of and try to keep in my past. But now i am all the things that i hoped i would never be again a cheater a coward a liar. does True love really prevail? i believe it will because that is the only thing i believe in. I believe in US. I BELIEVE IN LOVE, I BELIEVE IS ME. I know that i can do it i just really laugh at the past how i always tell myself in long distance relationships or any relationships haha that was just puppy love it wasn't real love or the famous line it was just online it wasn't real. but the honest truth is the EMOTIONS are real. and that is one thing i have learned throughout my life betrayal is betrayal a lie is a lie it all feels that same. i am still sensitive and i am still an ass hole. things really haven't changed for me throughout the years i have been writing. But the one thing i hope i learned is once i have someone willing to deal with the real me something that cant be expressed through my writing i cant let that person go and i made a huge mistake that honestly anyone would have walked away from but i can happily say that i am head over heals in love. yet i hate myself and wanna kill myself half the time but i fill my days with my wife or writing or doing homework or even watching netflix to ignore that feeling of self hate never really overcoming it is that bad
i hope i don't regret writing this i needed to get this off my chest i know it is disorganized

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