Update 2014

reading back at my old things makes me miss those days. but not really its hard for me now a days to sit down and just write about my life it probably has to do with the fact that i am over telling people stuff well not really i like to tell people things but i am really over the whole online thing but it also has to do with the fact its so hard for me to just sit down and write there are so many other things i could be doing but i decided i should update well i havent wrote a blog in what six months a lot has changed i went away to college and i am actually doing pretty good i found a perfect girlfriend now here comes the hard part keeping her around relationships are hard work but its worth it in the end. i have my own place now and i am starting to do grown up things which for all you kids out there isnt as fun as i thought it would be but reminiscing on these old blogs makes me remember how fun it used to be when my whole life was the internet

Infidelity: written on September 9, 2013

I have a lot of emotions and i feel like no ones listening to me

yes i am a very complicated person i like to portray myself as the hero:

the perfect girlfriend one who is better in everyway possible than anyone else I know what its like to be cheated on and i promise to never do that to you but sometimes the Hero, the angel she makes a mistake but what makes one mistake forgivable and another not when i get myself in a sticky situation i never find the right words to say or i do start saying all the right words to you but you just put on a fake face and i know behind that mask your cursing me and hating me. I know what i did is wrong i cheated i lied but i am not perfect and i have an addiction. something that if you ever knew me or were around me in my "player" days you know all too well look at it as alcoholism here is an analogy for a long time i was having fun and drinking until i found a reason to stop and when i stopped i realized that it betrayed me everyone i was so hurt so i did not start drinking again though i focused on something it became you became an obsession a way out of that disease of alcoholism i was sober for 3 years until i relapsed it was only a sip of a shot to me but to you i went on a drunken rampage bottom line is i relapsed i cant go back in time i flirted because of that i worry every night that you will leave every night im afraid i am afraid i have a rough past not a struggle with alcoholism but something that i am ashamed of and try to keep in my past. But now i am all the things that i hoped i would never be again a cheater a coward a liar. does True love really prevail? i believe it will because that is the only thing i believe in. I believe in US. I BELIEVE IN LOVE, I BELIEVE IS ME. I know that i can do it i just really laugh at the past how i always tell myself in long distance relationships or any relationships haha that was just puppy love it wasn't real love or the famous line it was just online it wasn't real. but the honest truth is the EMOTIONS are real. and that is one thing i have learned throughout my life betrayal is betrayal a lie is a lie it all feels that same. i am still sensitive and i am still an ass hole. things really haven't changed for me throughout the years i have been writing. But the one thing i hope i learned is once i have someone willing to deal with the real me something that cant be expressed through my writing i cant let that person go and i made a huge mistake that honestly anyone would have walked away from but i can happily say that i am head over heals in love. yet i hate myself and wanna kill myself half the time but i fill my days with my wife or writing or doing homework or even watching netflix to ignore that feeling of self hate never really overcoming it is that bad

i hope i don't regret writing this i needed to get this off my chest i know it is disorganized

Death Of My Father: Written on August 10, 2013

On march 31 2012 my father passed away

I'm going to go in order well on march 29 2012 it was my 18th birthday suppose to be the best day of my life right well it was probably one of the worst first let me tell you something about my self I am very antisocial so basically most of my friends ignored me so after the cake I got in my car and ditched the party well after I came home I forgot this part I think I lost the keys or something I do not talk about my father much but here's a bit of background information he was in poor health but in the year of 2012 he was actually starting to be healthy everything was looking good besides the fact he was starting to go blind in one eye. So that night I had lost the keys or something and I went to bed my dad decided to walk to the store at 4 in the morning and had fell it had been raining and he had already had a bad knee the police found him and took him to the hospital. From much urging from my dad he was released from the emergency room that day which shouldn't have happened so on march 31st 2012 I went had to go to work and my dad was yelling for my mom and my mom was getting agitated and then she helped him and took me to work when she came back he was unresponsive. To this day I blame myself for his death I never got to say goodbye to him I didn't tell him I loved him before he died I didn't do anything right if I hadn't urged my mom to take me to work he might be alive today but that's just my opinion.

Finding My Roots: written on August 13, 2013

Oh this year had been a very very difficult year I feel like I have told this story about a million times but I've never written it down :

so I need to tell you something about myself I'm adopted I was separated from my sister Tina and my sister Gloria at birth we were all taken away from our birth mother because of her drug addiction we all have different dads until we were reunited I have always had the opinion the hate that I didn't want to talk to my birth mother I was angry at her for crippling me or so I thought I was just so angry and my sister Tina my older sister after she had her kids she felt the need to find that something that mother figure so I helped her we found our birth mother along with tianna my youngest sister and I was introduced to a whole lot of new people In all honesty I feel overwhelmed all these people like I'm a loner and I have always been one I never felt like I fit in anywhere so I isolate myself and now a days my mom my birth mom tianna Ricky Tina Gloria they all wanna spend time with me and its so hard to juggled everyone just myself along with my gf who I want to spend every waking moment with to my sisters they think that I don't want to spend anytime with them funny I spent days with you funny so funny I just feel like the annoying little kid half of the time I mean its so hard I feel like they're all so much smarter than me that I don't fit In

Famous?

I always wanted to be famous but sometimes i think its too late know seeing all these kids get famous on youtube or instagram. I also think why cant that be me. Maybe thats one of the reasons i wrote this blog well not really. I started this blog on a site called peporonity it was pretty cool because people were actually commenting and helping me. I even started posting my same stuff on mocospace which is even more fun because people whose opinion i actually listened to would comment. i kinda miss that. On here all i get is span but i see that i have 4000 views which is pretty cool if u ask me. 

oh College...

Well right now I am sitting in computer science bored as ever wishing that i had my own car. if i had my own car i would be out of here by now. a lot has changed since i last wrote in this blog, but i will get to that later. I am about to graduate in may and i should probably be writing an essay right now on the reasons why i want to transfer but i am not. i should be paying attention to my teacher but i dont want to concentrate. i literally am sitting in the back of my class typing away on my computer. i am the only black girl in my class and the only female to top it all off i am a stud. sometimes i feel so like awkward. i dont want to draw attention to myself but i don't want to listen to her. anyway i decided to start writing again because well i dont write anymore i know i say i hate writing i do. i passed my English classes so i never have to write again. i enjoy writing when im bored to my anonymous audience that probably doesn't exist. i wanted to get a few things off my chest. I cant write sometimes i think it is myself because somehow i always got decent grades on my papers for English with no help from my mom or anything. but this application is really hard like i need a registrar and a person who should recommend me. i dont know any professors like i enjoyed every single one of my teachers but to go up to them and ask for a recommendation is gonna be hard as fuck. I am thinking about asking my computer science teacher i mean that is my major. im signing off for now i am gonna try to write this essay.