Day fifty eight of Rina's life

So sorry I didn't blog yesterday. Nothing new is happening except I got a new belt and new shorts. They're Bermuda shorts. I like them and they go with my style. The only thing I don't like is the fact I had to get them from the little girls section in old navy. Haha but then again I don't really like any of the shorts I see in the juniors and women's section. And my mom agreed to buy me a backpack. So that just knocks off two items off my things to buy list. Yay! I didn't go to church today I woke up early though. I could have if I wanted to. But I knew my mom didn't wanna go. My mom wanted to go shopping instead and I didn't have any objections. I was suppose to hang out with my best friend Jhan today. Instead I spent all day shopping with my mom. I feel kinda bad that he came over to my house and I wasn't there I tried to call him and I left him a message. He ended up coming to my house anyway while I was shopping. I feel bad because I knew he's been wanting to hang out with me. But I'm hanging out with Derek my other friend and probably jhan on tuesday were going fishing! That should be fun. My life has been going spectacular on the love side. I don't wanna jinx anything lol because whenever I think things are going well my world crashes down around me :(. Which reminds me I have to text my other best friend leticia I gotta hang out with her sometime. One thing about me is I hate asking people to hang out. Idk why I just think it's awkward especially if they're coming over to your house. Then you have to be a good host and entertain them. How am I suppose to entertain them when all I do for fun around here is lay around and do nothing? Today I watched the movie 2012 and the blind side. They were good movies.
-Rina

Day fifty seven of Rina's life

Today I woke up watched some tv ate made chicken and then I drove to Woodstock. With my dad of course because I need hours so I can get my drivers license. I'm getting my license in october. Ok then I cleaned a lot!!!! Ok so this summer I've been obsessed with trying to make myself look good for school next year. I'm not going to lie I'm looking pretty hot! My skin is better than ever and I've been getting a nice tan. I just need to keep it up. Except I got two mosquito bites on my forehead. hopefully they will go away soon. Right now I have $54 i think all in my piggy bank I can't wait to get more money!! 
-Rina 

Day fifty six of Rina's life

Ahhh so I just wrote a bunch of stuff and it disappeared. Now I'm just gonna write it on my iPod touch notes and transfer it from there. I don't trust you Internet. Guess who didn't get yelled at? Yeah that's right me!! So today I woke up at 4 pm and my mom had just gotten home from work and she came in my room told me to get up gave me my medicine and a list of things to do. She didn't yell at me she just said she didn't want me to stay up late like that. Today I woke up made dinner which was pasta salad and fried chicken. Then I took a shower. After that I scrubbed the tub, washed the dishes and put them away, cleaned the oven, swept the stairs and vacuumed. Then I went outside and watched my brother set off some fireworks it was fun I think he set off a zipper, a tank and a strobe light. It was funnnnnnn. The police didn't come haha. My day was pretty short considering I woke up at 4 pm the rest of my day I just lied around and watched tv. I'm really hyper now I'm suppose to be asleep of course. 
-Rina 

Day fifty five of Rina's life

right now im doing one of those things i enjoy. staying up all night doing what i love. will i get yelled at for this in the morning? Yes oh wait it is morning. i will probably get yelled at for it when my mom wakes up. yay! that is fun. im sleepy i took my meds but im at the computer now. So i dont know if im gonna fall asleep in this chair or what. oh right now im watching someone sleep. i feel like a creep but this is what she wants. :)
-Rina

Day fifty four of Rina's life

after all my good grades are just normal for me it doesn't matter. People expect that from me so why should they care. But if I do anything less than expected than I get ridiculed. I can't mess up. I have to live up to my expectations. When all the praises leave the only thing left to motivate you is yourself. An outstanding work ethic is expected from me. Anything less then that is not good enough. The amount of work put in doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is it's perfection. Without that then it's worth half of what it was before. What happens when the money gets old and perfection wears out? There's still faith I will live up to and beyond expectations. Where's the faith when I'm getting money for barely doing anything where's the hope? I see how it is now I'm getting the same money for Doing four times the work I did before. People expect me to be happy about this. I try not to be selfish. But let's face it I love money! Funny thing is I don't put little certificates I get on the fridge anymore. I don't need people to be reminded of the my grades. I motivate myself to get good grades. I care about my education. All my certificates for good grades are in my room just a little reminder of why I care what I strive for. I might not be the hardest worker or the smartest I might not live up to others expectations but I try my best to live up to my expectations. Isn't that what matters, whether or not I'm happy with work? I thought it was the effort that counted? Whatever happened to a stable money flow whatever happened to a value on everything I do? That value is gone. My word isn't worth a dime. Neither is my work. I guess all I have are my certificates and a couple of friends. It isn't good enough in my eyes. I want so much more than I have. Do you miss that girl who would work twice as hard as me? Do you miss that girl who was respectful and kind to you? Do you miss that girl who you talked to all the time? Do you miss the old me? So do I. I don't know where she went. I don't know why she left. I didn't do this on purpose it's just a mess of bad choices. I wanna change but I don't know how. Nothing is going back to normal. I was disrespectful and now I'm just hurt. But in my eyes do you see the old me? The one you used to have faith in. Everything I do isn't worth a thing. Was it perfect this time? No matter when I do the work or how I still get half the amount for twice the work. Was Giving me money for doing a bad job a mistake or a lesson? If I work harder will things go back to normal? No.. Life isn't that good. I can't change the past but I can change the future by what I do in the present. Do you see the changes I'm making? are you proud? Do you see a disappointment? Do you see someone who is not me? Look into my eyes what do you see? I look into your eyes everyday through a mirror and all I see is someone who is worthless, a disappointment, a waste of life. When I look into your eyes I see someone who I hate. Is it the real me i see or is it just a reflection. I want so many things just so I can stop hating myself. I don't show it because I want to change. I wanna be someone who I can stop hating. I am changing does anyone notice besides me? The better question is does anyone care besides me? I rarely show hate to myself unless you are one of the few I confide in.

-Rina

Day fifty three of Rina's life

So this summer vacation i wanna earn enough money to buy several things:

• shirts 
• a pair of pants 
• a pair of shoes 
• a backpack 
• a belt 
• headphones 
• a ipod case
• a ipod charger 

I have been listening to a podcast called Dead Hunt.
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